Blackseraphine

 I'm so weak. I was looking forward to this new show and I read one of the main characters described as "unhealthy and has nightmares" and I amusingly thought that sounds like me. Totally relatable! But the more I saw the promotional materials, the more I saw this character being described. I started feeling uncomfortable. It feels too familiar. I can feel myself panicking.

When I first became depressed years ago it was such a terrible experience for me that for the years afterwards I became conscious of being too overwhelmed. I was so afraid it would happen again. 

And I thought I put that behind me, that I'm in a way better place now, but it seems that I've always been overestimating how well I'm doing. Looking back now, I can see the number of times I faltered. I always knew I was just surviving but even when I thought I was doing more to get to a better place, it seems like mentally I was more focused on self-protection.

I was too easy on myself.

This is where I am right now and this is how I'm going to move forward. These recent weeks have made me feel uncomfortable and that's what I should continue doing- face the uncomfortable.

I'm grateful for the time given to me- one hour, two hours, sometimes three- but I should do more for myself. Last time, I thought this is how it stops. One steps away and forgets. I step away and I forget. And I was fearful for what could be lost. But it is what it is.

I can't always look towards someone else to be a beacon. I can't always be reminded of my friend as the only reason to stay. Damn, I wouldn't have survived this long in life if I didn't have these within me in the first place.