It's the seventh year...

 

It's been seven years.

Seven years since my father passed.

Seven years since my friend passed.

I thought I wouldn't be affected.

When August started, I felt the heaviness weigh upon me.

This year, my Aunt had passed. In the seventh year.

And all these things compounded.

This imaginary deadline loomed over me.

Back then, I thought, in seven years things would be different.

In seven years, things would have changed.

I would have changed.

And life changed in a direction I had not anticipated.

The seven years had passed in a way that I had not imagined.

Have I grown better? No.

But I had a better understanding of how I grew to become the way that I am now.

Have I achieved my dreams? No.

But the dreams changed. And what I wanted is clearer now than it ever was.

I told myself, the seventh year would be the last year before I stepped back out...

I had hoped for things that didn't come to pass. Some things got worst. But I want to do better. For myself.

And then, when that happens, I want to face my Peace.

 When my father passed and left the care of my Aunt to us, I told myself, "This is my life now."

Life has changed and I had to adapt. I pushed aside my own issues because theis was more pressing, more real.

Now, after two months, I'm saying it again.

Life has changed and I have to learn to adapt to it. It felt so strange at first after so many years. But in those final moments, as I played a song to comfort her, I thought it was a message to comfort me too.

This is my life now.

I knew there would be a time when I wouldn't be able to come.  

I left flowers just a few times since you've been gone.  Even then I knew one day I wouldn't.  Lives change. People go on. But I didn't think it would be so soon. 

I think of you often. Sometimes I'd listen to kpop and think that we could have shared that more.  Then I'd remember you follow boy groups more and I follow girl groups so maybe not, lol. Sometimes I'd wonder what you'd think about something that happened. Sometimes I missed you starting conversations, like clockwork on Viber.  Sometimes I wished I just shared more with you.

Sometimes I'd feel sad that you're missing out on so much, but then I'd remember that you have done so much more than I ever could have. You met friends often, traveled, went to mountains, explored a cave and tried to convince me that it was perfectly safe, lol. You shared you art and shared your joy. You lived life and I could only wish I could say the same.

I will always look up to you in that regard. Even if I don't come back, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten you. I will never forget you.