I was happy to see someone else happy, changing, becoming better. I think I was just fearful about what it meant.

I'm looking forward to becoming better too. 

 I'm so weak. I was looking forward to this new show and I read one of the main characters described as "unhealthy and has nightmares" and I amusingly thought that sounds like me. Totally relatable! But the more I saw the promotional materials, the more I saw this character being described. I started feeling uncomfortable. It feels too familiar. I can feel myself panicking.

When I first became depressed years ago it was such a terrible experience for me that for the years afterwards I became conscious of being too overwhelmed. I was so afraid it would happen again. 

And I thought I put that behind me, that I'm in a way better place now, but it seems that I've always been overestimating how well I'm doing. Looking back now, I can see the number of times I faltered. I always knew I was just surviving but even when I thought I was doing more to get to a better place, it seems like mentally I was more focused on self-protection.

I was too easy on myself.

This is where I am right now and this is how I'm going to move forward. These recent weeks have made me feel uncomfortable and that's what I should continue doing- face the uncomfortable.

I'm grateful for the time given to me- one hour, two hours, sometimes three- but I should do more for myself. Last time, I thought this is how it stops. One steps away and forgets. I step away and I forget. And I was fearful for what could be lost. But it is what it is.

I can't always look towards someone else to be a beacon. I can't always be reminded of my friend as the only reason to stay. Damn, I wouldn't have survived this long in life if I didn't have these within me in the first place. 

Someday, maybe, you will be blessed with someone who will be happy because of you.

To be happy because of you, even when you're not there. When I read about other people describing describing their ideal relationship, I realized I didn't have one. I never thought of it. And I pondered what that could look like for me.

And I thought, maybe if someone was happy because of you when you're not there, you'd never be forgotten. Because it was easy to have fun with someone because they're right next to you, available to you. And it's easy to think that it could be worth more than it actually is. And it's easy to make the mistake that you're happy. Until they're out of your sight.

And I thought maybe happiness was enduring, persistent; boiling over and spilling out- the little smile you have that you didn't know you were making, that little hum that echoes the songs in your steps.

Someday you'll be the world to someone. Maybe.

And then seeing someone looking so happy...
I felt terrible. Then I felt bad for feeling terrible. Because isn't that the point? To see them happy?

And I wondered if I was forgotten...

And I wondered if I'm like this because I was scared that it was all coming to a close. I knew that would happen all along. That that was the inevitable outcome. In a way, I prepared myself for it.

I see the chatter, the conflicting rumors, and I wondered if any of it was true. If I see people talking about it then there must be more people talking elsewhere that I'm not aware of. But why wouldn't they? It was so obvious that something was different..

I know nothing 100%, so I'll go on as usual. Hold on as usual. Prepare myself until the inevitable comes. 

What am I doing?

I am not so selfless to just stand here and watch and feel the little cracks run through my heart. 

A little snap. A little break.

It echoes... disturbing the calmness I've held in my mind.