I used to think that my life was so exceedingly uneventful and boring. I wanted to experience living and, at the same time, hated being alive.
I was reading a thread sometime before Valentine's about somebody who yearned to feel what it's like to receive flowers at least once. I only received flowers a couple of times in my life. The first time was something I considered a bad memory so I never really thought of looking at it like it was a good life experience. I was forced into a blind date and that's when I got the flower- a long-stemmed rose with a plastic container at the end. It wasn't that common at the time so my friends thought it was a big deal. I must have looked ungrateful but I was upset. I found out about the date literally 30 minutes before it happened. I didn't want to go but I was told I was being difficult for refusing. I went. That was my first ever date and I hated it. I think I made that rose wilt through my death stare.
I thought about the time I saw a clip of the drama Pachinko, where the male lead brushed the hands of a woman with his fingers as he walked by, and I suddenly thought, 'That happened to me!' I thought it was funny, that something seemingly romantic on screen, was anything but romantic to me in real life. At the time, the guy who did that hardly even talked to me. Talk to me! I was depressed at the time, so it only made me feel annoyed. Even perverts try to touch girls so what makes this special? Talk to me instead! Definitely didn't give me butterflies.
But the point was, I had been completely overlooking the moments in my life.
Reading women talk about wanting to experience getting flowers at least once is kinda heart-breaking. Would it have been better not receiving it at all? I know that for the most part I would have said 'Yes, I'd rather not have received it at all' but now I'm not so sure. Looking back at least I had a story, an experience that added a little texture to my life no matter how pissed off or disappointed I was.
I wanted to feel alive but I stubbornly shunned the experiences that would make that happen. The good, the bad, I look at both with mirth now but I severely underestimated how valuable the 'bad' experiences are. In the moment, our feelings of pain, anger or sadness overpower us and there's a desire for something better. To have something that's perfect. I should learn to how to better take things in stride. To romanticize life. Imperfect keeps life interesting.
