Only four months left until the end of the year. August has been such an emotional trip. It's been five years. In five years I thought things would get better. But in five years it's still the same. I keep thinking to myself 'why am I still here' but the answer hasn't changed.

I'm running out of things to distract myself with. I'm gonna end up confronting myself just because I've got nothing to do. I hate that it took me this long to figure out the core of what was wrong. And I thought I did well with introspection. Now I feel so foolish knowing that I have been staring at the puzzle pieces for so long and have conveniently ignored them. What a waste- of time, of self, of pain, of tears. I stop myself from thinking of what could have been and force myself to think of what could be.

The answer hasn't changed. I should be the one changing.

Someday I'll buy a telescope.

That's it. That's the post. Not that it matters today of all days because it's been raining hard since last night so I won't be seeing the Super Blue Moon even if I had a telescope. Still, I can't help but feel some type of way on missing out on these things.

You know how annoying it is to try to take a photo and it's just a bright white dot in a darkish background? Well, apparently one smartphone maker does so they started faking the photos. Their camera software replaces any distant bright white circle into a a nice photo of the moon. It's both brilliant and evil at the same time. 

 I'm a spectator in someone's life and I am in awe.

The way that small efforts snowball into an incredible display of attention and affection. Not that I'm envious of attention or affection- I haven't had much of either so they would scare me as much as a pack of hyenas would. But doesn't stop me from admiring the process. Small things put out into the world and it returns to you a hundred fold. There's something special about it. 

Change. I'm wishing for something like that too. A butterfly effect that ripples through my life. 

Threads- Great! Another social media app..

Feeling a little lost suddenly. It's so weird. I'm simultaneously anxious, chill and uncaring at the same time. So I went on Threads hoping for a different kind of distraction. I don't even tweet so using Twitter's new rival app feels unnatural to me. I do have Twitter, but I don't usually post; I mainly use it to catch up on news or to check if the internet is down.

So I get on Threads and the first thing that comes to mind is, who are these people? Lol. I wasn't following anybody so I was kind of surprised to see posts from all these people, celebrities and other accounts I don't know. My Twitter usually opens up to the account of a radio station that I used to like.

I try to make a post just to check the controls so I tried to share a post from Instagram to Threads and-
Lol
- Instagram doesn't even have a button to quickly share posts on Threads! Hahaha!

Is it a glitch? Do I need to update my Instagram app or something? Or did they really just forget? That's funny!

Should I start following utility companies on this app? News companies? Why am I here? Reading one article on it it seems like your post can only be found depending on the algorithm. No hashtag. No chronological posts. I can just probably use my Threads account as a meme dump for the memes I saved on Instagram. Great! More 'storage'!

Maybe because I'm not an avid social media user but I can't see how this is supposed to be exciting.  Maybe it's like hopping from one cafe to another where you're just basking in the noveltry of the new place- but it's basically just the same people, the same cliques, the same little bubbles. Maybe I'm just not getting it because I'm not part of any 'community' so I'm completely missing the migrating ant colony feeling. 

I'm embarassed to say that I've been on the internet nearly everyday for more than half of my life and I am still so woefully out of touch.

I was chatting with a friend on FB messenger (ancient, we are) and suddenly my interface changed to a darker color. I didn't even know it was possible to change the theme from the other person's end! (I'm just inches away from boomerhood, i can feel it.)

I'm mostly just a passive participant in the online space. Feels like I'm aimlessly wandering sometimes. Our PC broke since December and that only made it worse. I miss watching horror movies.

I've been spending a lot of time on Instagram instead. I learned more about Instagram in the last couple of months than in the last five years that I've had the app. And that's just as a viewer, not a poster.

I haven't figured out how to get IG notifications from select accounts though. I removed IG notifications just because it was bothersome to get notified for everything every time.

I've been relying on ESP to figure out whether my favorite IG account has posted a story.

So this account that barely posts anything, posted content and stories in close succession and then - silence. Dude, c'mon! Now I realize why those influencers schedule their postings and stuff, 'cause this does feel like a sugar crash and I'm having a withdrawal.

I know, I know. I know it's kinda weird and I'm not owed content. I just miss the distraction.

I should have been a celebrity because people have been curious about my business.

I've been out and about for four days and I've already got two neighbors asking questions.

One asked me if I've graduated. HUH? Yeah, eons ago! It was so out of the blue and so strange because, Hello! Yeah, we're neighbors but I have never in my life ever started a conversation with this person much less asked a weird personal question. Does this person wanna see my diploma?

The other one asked how was my dad. Um, he died four years ago. She was so shocked and said she didn't know. Like, how? When I know your brother who lives right next to you does! Then she just abruptly leaves. Uh, thank you for reminding me that my dad's dead, I guess?

You know my mother regularly waters the plants outside, you can go bother her and she has no filter. She wouldn't mind the talk. But I do. 

This is the reason I avoid people! Just last month, another person asked me personal questions. Mentioned, too, that I lost weight- no, that does not make me feel better about you asking me questions. Telling me multiple times I lost weight as if I didn't hear you the first time, what were you expecting me to do? Jump for joy? Telling me, 'You know, you lost weight.' Silence. 'You lost weight.' Silence. 'You lost weight.' I mean, what do I say to that? I can't think of anything to say because we don't actually talk nor am I interested in any conversation with you. 'Gee, thanks! You look... old.' Omg.

Obviously the celebrity thing is a joke. But I am always surprised when people even know I exist since I've pretty much kept to myself my entire life. 

It was surprising when I found out from a friend in college that some people from the other class were talking about us. It was startling when a girl that I thought looked somewhat familiar recognized that we went to the same high school. I bolted out of the store we were in as fast as I could. Embarassing, I know.  The social anxiety kicked in before I could stop it. 🙃

Recently, a friend started dumping a ton of old photos on Facebook and I was in a few of them. I looked like shit. To be fair, I looked like shit in almost all of my photos, probably why I hated getting them. My college graduation photo was probably the most atrocious. Back in the day, faces like mine with hooded/monolid eyes and fat cheeks weren't well represented so I don't think most MUAs knew how to do our makeup. I paid for my graduation/yearbook photo with makeup services and I looked like someone's auntie in my early 20s. Absolutely terrible and I paid for that trauma.

In high school, nearly my entire class would run up front to be part of group photos someone decided to take. I sat back one day while they took photos and then I just kept doing that. I'm sure there are other photos taken by somebody else that I'm a part of but I'm pretty sure I almost never enjoyed the experience.

Throughout the rest of my life I've managed to avoid having my photo taken if I can help it. But for years now I've been regretting it. I wish it was as easy for me to take a photo of myself and feel nothing about it. When I see other people with all these photos of themselves acting like little bookmarks in the timeline of their lives I feel envious. I could step out of this world and it would be as if I never existed. 

2023🥂

 Ohmyg~! We're in 2023 now!

You know when you sometimes try to make something and it becomes such a mess that you end up throwing the whole thing away? That was my 2022-  it got messed up early on and I just chucked the whole year away. 

I was looking for a funny 2023 meme, like the new year memes from the last couple of years and- I got nothing? Every related pic is either boring and normal or sentimental. Has everybody else moved on?