When I tried to start blogging my intentions were simple: Just post.

I wanted to voice my mind too. I wanted to communicate. Post photos.

I attempted to do it on an earlier blog. Posted details of a trip. Posted photos. Then scrapped it all two hours later. 

I didn't ask for permission from my friends, I rationalized. I wondered about privacy, theirs and mine. 

Once I posted a long gripe about something that happened to me involving other people. It was just a way for me to vent and I used initials instead of their names. Then I thought nothing of it. A couple of days later I had one comment: "People need to read this." And it wasn't an ad spam! Lol!  This was way before reddit became the dumping ground of personal stories so I must have written juicy gossip to warrant sharing but sharing wasn't big back then so nothing really happened. 

But not gonna lie, it did scare me a bit. I couldn't understand it myself. But I took it down shortly.

When I moved to this space I thought I could push myself to do better. Be more open. More communicative. But my reality was different- I was becoming more of a hermit, shutting myself in and clammed up. Talked less, wrote less. Stringing words became an issue because I didn't feel comfortable doing it anymore.

Managing the space itself was an issue. I could hardly make any headway on the technical side of things. I got dozens of spam email when I tried to put a contact form. And I don't read comments because it's mostly spam. What are you even doing here? Nobody's gonna click on your spam link because nobody's here!

But once in a while, I get something that isn't spam. And it's kinda weird replying since they would be posted ages ago but thank you. 

One more try. One more year. If I get to actually pay for the domain name, because our local payment systems are shitty, I'll give it another go. Post photos. Communicate. Voice my mind. Go. 

 It's been a very difficult last couple of years. But it was also cathartic. I guess when the decision was made for me not to be out there it was easier for my mind to focus on where I was at instead of berating myself for not being where I should be.

I've looked around and there are some people like me who found some clarity in these tough times. This isn't to say I wasn't the least bit stressed. I thought it was stress made my period highly irregular for so many years but then pandemic gave me so much stress it actually brought my period back. I'm glad it's back but I definitely did not miss how annoying it was to experience it.

There was so much to unpack- so many memories, thoughts and emotions that I would have otherwise been pushed aside.