Get out there. Take pictures. Learn to live.

On days like these, when mortality confronts you, there's a tiny question screaming at the back of my head asking: What if?  I know it's ironic, for me at least, because of everything 

It always feels terrible when you are confronted by your mortality. Even if you spent a chunk out of your life just wanting to throw it all away there's still that tiny part that wants to try: What would it be like if I tried to do it differently? Or even just to try?

I knew there would be a time when I wouldn't be able to come.  

I left flowers just a few times since you've been gone.  Even then I knew one day I wouldn't.  Lives change. People go on. But I didn't think it would be so soon. 

I think of you often. Sometimes I'd listen to kpop and think that we could have shared that more.  Then I'd remember you follow boy groups more and I follow girl groups so maybe not, lol. Sometimes I'd wonder what you'd think about something that happened. Sometimes I missed you starting conversations, like clockwork on Viber.  Sometimes I wished I just shared more with you.

Sometimes I'd feel sad that you're missing out on so much, but then I'd remember that you have done so much more than I ever could have. You met friends often, traveled, went to mountains, explored a cave and tried to convince me that it was perfectly safe, lol. You shared you art and shared your joy. You lived life and I could only wish I could say the same.

I will always look up to you in that regard. Even if I don't come back, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten you. I will never forget you.

Hello, September!

First, I was determined. Then I was anxious. Then I got guilty. Then stressed. Then I stayed there for a while.

When this whole quarantine started, I had thought I could actually get stuff done. For a little while I thought I could, then I started getting anxious.  

People were baking banana bread and making copious amounts of Dalgona coffee and I was struggling to get things done.

So I tried learning to forgive myself for that, then the challenges of this new situation started weighing on me. I was stressed, anxious, angry and tired. Tired all the time.  And I stayed there for a while. Then...

Hello, September!

Just when I told myself, hey, since the world is at a standstill, you can use this time to move forward and catch up. Yep, no.