Bye 2020

Just like that, my December was spent like water flowing through my fingers. 

I could say the same thing about my entire year, I have wasted it all, but now I can truly say I'm not the only one! 

It's been a tough year. I'm near hermit-levels of introversion and even this year has been hard on me. But if anything good came out of it for me, it's having a stronger conviction of what I want.

The next year doesn't seem promising. With the pandemic still here, I can envision that we'll be spending most of next year still stuck where we are. But I'm actually hopeful that I can move forward in ways that I never had before.

 

I started the day contemplating if I should go out. Like when was the last time I went out? July? 

I know other people had been itching to go out for less than the essentials. Today I could do the same, but thinking about what I needed to keep safe- mask, shield, alcohol, and constant disinfection from leaving until I get back- feels like more work than it's worth. 

The year isn't over yet but I think everyone's ready to call it a day. 

And I was thinking about how little I have done compared to what I could have accomplished in the time that we had. I could have finally lost that weight like I had been meaning to then- boom! Step into 2021 like an Instagram fitness goddess! Or craft myself to Martha Stewart levels of domestic know-how. But yeah, no. No 24 -inch waistline here, or banana bread expert in the making. I am no further than where I had been last year.

Yet, somehow, I feel more productive than I had been for years. I've been teaching myself to change how I think. When the days brought lethargy and anxiety, I did what I could and constantly told me to forgive myself for the rest. Then I moved like a snail to keep going forward. 

Keep going forward.

Get out there. Take pictures. Learn to live.

On days like these, when mortality confronts you, there's a tiny question screaming at the back of my head asking: What if?  I know it's ironic, for me at least, because of everything 

It always feels terrible when you are confronted by your mortality. Even if you spent a chunk out of your life just wanting to throw it all away there's still that tiny part that wants to try: What would it be like if I tried to do it differently? Or even just to try?

I knew there would be a time when I wouldn't be able to come.  

I left flowers just a few times since you've been gone.  Even then I knew one day I wouldn't.  Lives change. People go on. But I didn't think it would be so soon. 

I think of you often. Sometimes I'd listen to kpop and think that we could have shared that more.  Then I'd remember you follow boy groups more and I follow girl groups so maybe not, lol. Sometimes I'd wonder what you'd think about something that happened. Sometimes I missed you starting conversations, like clockwork on Viber.  Sometimes I wished I just shared more with you.

Sometimes I'd feel sad that you're missing out on so much, but then I'd remember that you have done so much more than I ever could have. You met friends often, traveled, went to mountains, explored a cave and tried to convince me that it was perfectly safe, lol. You shared you art and shared your joy. You lived life and I could only wish I could say the same.

I will always look up to you in that regard. Even if I don't come back, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten you. I will never forget you.

Hello, September!

First, I was determined. Then I was anxious. Then I got guilty. Then stressed. Then I stayed there for a while.

When this whole quarantine started, I had thought I could actually get stuff done. For a little while I thought I could, then I started getting anxious.  

People were baking banana bread and making copious amounts of Dalgona coffee and I was struggling to get things done.

So I tried learning to forgive myself for that, then the challenges of this new situation started weighing on me. I was stressed, anxious, angry and tired. Tired all the time.  And I stayed there for a while. Then...

Hello, September!

Just when I told myself, hey, since the world is at a standstill, you can use this time to move forward and catch up. Yep, no. 

I could probably stay silent forever.  And it's not even because I won't ever get lonely. 

I sometimes think about the people I know.  I think about them, but I don't drop a line. Not a word, not a peep.  It's not because I don't remember them, or wonder how they are. It just got extremely easy to not say anything at all.

Thoughts are painful. Memories are painful. What I've committed to paper, I've burned. Sometimes I wish I didn't because it just got harder to write anything at all.

Words unheard. You only have to look at the person you're talking to and wonder why you even had to start in the first place. I learned. I learned fast. And my world grew quieter.

Most days it doesn't bother me. But some days I know better. I bought myself a new lease on this blog's life hoping I could finally do something about it. Force myself to say something. Even just for myself.