By My Lonesome

I tried one of those wedge sneakers the other day and my legs and feet were killing me.  I think I forgot how to walk because one foot hurt more than the other.  Really?  How many flaws in this body need correcting?

I took a break in a McDonalds.  I didn't know the Megamall branch had a McCafe. I didn't actually want to eat but I needed a reason to sit there. I got the Nutty Brazo de Mercedes and medium latte combo.  There's cream and chocolate chips in the middle instead of the typical yolk custard things so it was lighter than a typical Brazo.  When I got home my sister asked me how it was. Well, the coffee tasted like coffee, how else should it taste like?  I just don't like how much ice it had, and I typically love a lot of ice, but it looked like they were trying to make the cream float with that bed of ice.  It was like a Coke Float, which I hate by the way, because a third of the cup is just ice so you end up feeling unsatisfied with the topping and the drink itself.

When my feet stopped twitching, I resumed window shopping. It didn't take long before my legs started to cry for help.  So I found some benches in the mall but they were mostly occupied with cuddling lovebirds and grumpy looking folks.  Then I found an empty rocking chair and collapsed right into it.  I was there for ten minutes before I saw the sign.

All four rocking chairs were now occupied by relatively young people. Then an older lady started hovering in front of us.  I felt guilty.  But I feel so old!  My legs are falling apart!  I'm kinda warranted sitting here!  And I was thinking, 'Just force me out.  I can't leave on my own so if you tell me to go I will.'  But she just left, and I continued welding myself to the chair.

The Day I Walked Away

I didn't go to a college graduation. "A" college graduation, because right now I'm not even sure I knew I had one to attend.  I can't remember.  I was an Octoberian, a student who completed her schooling in that awkward time frame between being too late and too early for graduation. I was a freak out of schedule.

I think I can assume there was a ceremony I could have attended. But then, I didn't actually care.  No, let me rephrase that.  I cared, just not enough to stay.

There wasn't any defining moment when life came on a standstill.  From sitting at that bench in my school's old building, waiting for my paperwork to come through, to leaving, I walked out of my life.

There wasn't one particular day I could look back on, a day to regret or resent for the choices I made.  That day was built on years of sorrow, of frustration, of anguish and tears. On that bench, I struggled to breathe.

From where I sat, everything else was shrouded by the darkness hanging over my head.  A graduation was a little more than a passing thought entertained with the question, "What for?"

It kills me to try to explain to others what I haven't put in words all those years, the why's and how this life came to be.  So they make their own conclusions and make their words mine.  I hate to admit how much that hurts me but I've learned to endure it.  Because mine is a story they cannot tell.

I walked away, but I'm coming back today.