How to Ride a Jeepney

I was out yesterday to get something photocopied.  I ended up waiting for about an hour to get home.

It rained hard for a bit and when the rain let up people just stood at the road eager to be the first to board whatever jeepney passed.  For a long time, I've avoided going out in bad weather if I could help it. I've experienced a lot of bad weather in my schooldays that I'm firmly against getting my feet wet when I'm out.

The downside to not getting out often in bad weather, or getting out in general, is that I've forgotten some fairly important Jeepney Riding Skills like spotting a potential ride, snagging a spot at the entrance or jumping on a moving vehicle.  I've gotten a crash course in the time that I was there:

Lesson 1: When attempting to ride a jeepney with a horde of other people, don't position yourself at the side of the entrance.  The structure of the jeepney at the side of the entrance will prevent you from gaining foot hold.  A position at the center is more likely to help you gain entry.  Side entry is a technique best suited for the MRT/LRT.

Lesson 2: Sometimes you can't get a dead center position especially when people are alighting the jeepney.  The best position in this case is either southwest or southeast.

Lesson 3. Choose where to stand. If there are people attempting to get on the jeepney in front of you, choose to stand behind a female.  Some guys will act as a gentleman and let the female beside him enter first thereby blocking your path until the line of females beside him ends. Choosing to stand behind a female will more likely gain you entry as females are incredibly aggressive and unapologetic to who they shove until they get in.

Lesson 4: If the people in front of you are all males, you'll either never get in or get lucky that a gentleman will notice you and let you get in first.

Lesson 5: If all the people in front of you are females, it's a free-for-all.

I got lucky.  I got a ride by lesson 3: following a female, and lesson 4: a gentleman who let us girls go in first.  Though our gentleman quickly turned to a psycho as soon as every space on the jeepney was taken.

A jeepney stops and people ran for it like vultures. I was behind a woman and as people closed in on the jeepney some guy at the entrance raised his palm to us to stop- and we stopped dead on our tracks.  Then he starts counting the people getting off one by one: 1, 2, 3...8.  Then he turns to us and says that the women get on first, and starts counting us one by one.  I was 3. And we were like cattle. 

As he was letting us in the conductor started telling Psycho to sit down. Psycho kept saying no prompting the conductor to tell him to sit down so that other people can get it because Psycho was blocking the entrance. At this point every space was taken and Psycho was understandably irked because he and his friend passed up the chance to get a seat so that others could sit leaving them standing there in the doorway getting soaked.  He pointed this out to the conductor slightly emphasizing that it was because of them that people got seated, which was a bit inaccurate because they're only worth two seats. Most of the people that got in would've gotten in anyway even if they haven't helped.

The conductor gets offended and words are exchanged.  Psycho insists he did the conductor and the driver a service by letting people in saying 'Ask them! They're my witnesses!' making hand gestures at us. And every one of us sat there like reprimanded little children! And I think we're all thinking the same thing: As much as I am happy and grateful that he let us in, please don't drag us into this.

Conductor then tells Psycho to get off.  As is everywhere else in Philippines (IMSBO: In My Scientifically Baseless Opinion), refusal of service invariably makes the customer more defiant, vindictive and generally more adamant to get the service.  Naturally, Psycho refuses to get off threatening the conductor with, "LTO ako! Tatanggalan kita ng lisensya!"  And actually commanding the driver to move forward, "Sige, i-takbo mo! I-takbo mo!"

Conductor didn't initially believe him, even mocked him, but I think he did wonder if Psycho was telling the truth.  He stopped talking but Psycho didn't.  For fifteen glorious minutes of that ride, Psycho unleashed a barrage of P*@#%$#, T%#$#$, and G$@#, along with these nice little ramblings:

Hindi mo alam ang pinagdaanan ko! Hindi mo alam yung hirap na pinagdaanan ko! Tapos ginaganyan mo ko!!

Wow, kuya. May pinaghuhugutan? Personal?

Si P-Noy! Nagpunta sa Pasig!  Nakipagkita kay Shalani!

Shumo-showbiz ka kuya. Wag na silang intrigahin. May kanya-kanyang lovelife na sila.

Sa news, puro na lang Marikina!  Paano na lang kaming taga-Pasig?  

I think after a while he noticed that people were quiet. He then apologized and tried to explain himself:

Pasensiya na kayo ha. Kaya ko ginagawa ito dahil ang gusto ko lang e makauwi yung mga taga-Pasig.

Shit. I'm not from Pasig!

I was half imagining him freaking out when I get off at my stop, miles and miles away from Pasig when he resumed insulting the conductor, threatening to 'teach him a lesson' when they reach Pasig.

Psycho's friend had been trying to persuade him to stop this whole.  After the conductor refused to accept their fare the friend tried to persuade Psycho to get off.  When they finally did get off Psycho made a point of yelling out the jeepney's plate number followed by another threat, "Wag ka nang bibiyahe bukas!"

And people began to breathe again.